Sep 30, 2011

This has been a rough week for issues...I am definitely not in the vortex. I got a letter from disability informing me that my funds they put it... exhausted. I didn't know that they could get exhausted. Apparently, everyone is paid different amounts, depending on how much they put in. It's like a piggy bank. I put a certain amount in each month, which is determined by "them" and when I need to use it, I get a certain amount a month which is determined  by "them". When the money runs out...its gone.  I have been putting money in for 37 years and all I get is $13,300?? I get a better return saving through the Christmas Club. Remember when banks offered that service? When I return to work, I put money back into the piggy bank. My piggy bank at the moment is empty. Sooooo...I had to apply for social security. I went to the local office and was given a pamphlet and told to apply online. I went home, went online and 3 hours later I was done! 3 hours???? And I had the information they wanted at my fingertips, and I am not a slow typist. I had to give information about my past 5 jobs, W2s from 2010, names of all my doctors - with phone numbers, addresses, dates of tests and office visits, medications and on and on. My brain was exhausted just like my disability payments. Then on the last page it read "average time to get a decision is 120 days" WTF!!!

I went back to the ss office today and it was packed...yesterday, there was a handful of people. I wanted to bring my medical release paper in person so I could maybe expedite the process. I also brought my W2s, proof of citizenship, the disability letter stating I am done with them... oh, Hell! I brought everything with me in case they asked and they did. The social worker said that I maybe qualified but I will have to see their social security doctor as well. I qualified for social security benefits early due to my disability to the tune $848 a month.

I was then sent over to another social worker to see if I qualified for ssi benefits ( I thought that is
what I was asking for anyways, but who can keep track.) I did not qualify because I own 2 cars and the 2 of them combined are worth more than $3,000. Apparently that makes me rich! I do have a chance at the $848 a disability checks were $1400 a month. That is quite a hit in the pocketbook. I was given the name of an agency that is in charge of food stamps. Food stamps? That hit me like a ton of bricks! I did not bust my ass all my life to end up like this. I refuse to spend the rest of my life in the poorhouse. I am also very independent...ambitious and not used to "handouts". For me it's all about the quality of life and I do not want to spend it watching tv. I want to experience new places, open my thrift shop, mix it up in protest marches. I want to feel alive! And I can't do that on $848 and food stamps, while some government agency makes sure I don't earn anymore money than I am allotted. I am starting to sound like Ron Paul and I don't want to be like him either.

I want to stay positive because if I get on the pity train I will get sick again...negative energy = stress and stress = equals sickness. I have to find a way to get myself out of this...but for now I cannot walk right, my balance is shit and I poop my pants. I cannot work like that and no one will hire me in this condition. I am good at not letting people know when I don't feel good but I am not that good! I will have to look at this a a temporary thing or I will get myself into a depression. I don't like feeling bad...I want to be happy.

Then I went to the neurological center to get the nerves in my legs tested. That was soooo painful!! At one point I asked if Dick Cheney created this test...whats next water boarding?... and then I cried. I couldn't help it...the doctor needed to get the shock to a 10 but I couldn't take more than a 6. It hurt the worst behind my knee caps. Then she stuck needles in me connected to the shock machine and as if that was not enough she twisted the needle in my leg. I almost went through the roof. I know people could hear me yell at times. When I was done, I had to have help left leg was too weak. I knew I would fall down. Luckily, James went with me...I had planned to drive myself but I could never have driven home. About 40 minutes later I felt better.

So here I am now...back home...blogging. I think I am really getting everything out and hope that I can snap out of it and come up with a plan to make my life better. I am grateful to be alive...I just want to LIVE while I am alive. Well, enough of that! I want a green smoothie...
Eat your fruit & veggies!   xo   Inge

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